


No Homo, Bro

by PeaceAndLongLife



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Best Friends, Charlie Has a Thing For Buttstuff, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, M/M, No Homo, Past Childhood Trauma, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Two bros just broing around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:52:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8575516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeaceAndLongLife/pseuds/PeaceAndLongLife
Summary: Charlie and Mac, two very straight, very heterosexual men, which means when they kiss, their straightness doubles and combines into ultimate heterosexuality. That's how it works, right? Or at least that's what they think.





	

   Mac liked kissing Charlie and Charlie liked kissing Mac. It was as simple as that.

   It was something that sparked out of necessity as children; a distraction, an easy escape from their unconventional home lives.

   Charlie's mom would frequently forget to buy him food. She was too caught up with the never-ending revolving door of Santa Clauses, plumbers, repairmen and empty handed pizza deliverers. That one really gave him trust issues, as every pizza man that set foot in his mother's bedroom, had never actually _had_ a pizza. They were empty-handed, like all the men, except for a wad of cash in their pocket.

   Occasionally Charlie would wait till it was dark out to scavenge back alleyways and dumpsters for scraps of food. When he was full on mystery topping pizza, he'd pretend to be a worm and wiggle his way home.

   Mac loved his family more than anything in the entire universe, maybe even more than God himself, but they couldn't care less about him. He denied his parent's blatant rejection of him and hoped that if he prayed hard and long enough that maybe one day, they'd say 'I love you' back.

   It was the day Mac's father was sent to prison that Charlie and Mac kissed for the first time.

   "Don't cry." Charlie awkwardly places his hand on Mac's back, maintaining an alternating pattern of reassuring patting and gently rubbing his back in soothing, circular movements. Charlie wasn't the best person at expressing his emotions, but he was trying and that was enough for Mac.

   "I'm not crying." Mac grumbles defensively as he wipes what looks suspiciously like tears from his eyes with the back of his jacket sleeve. As an added bonus, he left behind a surprisingly long snot trail.

   It hurt Charlie to see his only friend so helplessly upset. He wished he could make everything better, to give Mac everything he deserved; a loving family, a beautiful home, and a plethora of warm, home-cooked meals, he'd give him it all without a second thought and expect nothing in return.

   The only thing he could do now was to simply _be there_ and to comfort him to the best of his limited abilities.

   Charlie leans in to kiss Mac.

   It was no more than an innocent press of skin against skin, lips against lips. Charlie lingered against Mac, unsure how long this sort of thing was supposed to last, this was his first kiss. Around the minute mark, Mac finally relaxes into his friend's contact, the traumatizing images of his father being drug away by the cops fading till they were no longer in the forefront of his mind, and replaced by Charlie.

   It was a weird sensation at first, being so close to someone, using your own wet mouth to touch someone else's wet mouth, _feeling, tasting..._ ew. This was the reason Charlie hadn't kissed anyone prior. Now that he had done it, he wished he'd tried it a lot sooner.

   Once he moved past all the initial ick, it was surprisingly pleasant. There was a certain warmth he'd never experienced before that spread through his veins like wildfire and was more addicting than the candy his mother's friends would leave behind.

Mac was more surprised than anything else at first. Kissing was for when two adults loved each other very much and not between two friends who were boy _s._ He wanted to stop Charlie, to push him away, to vigorously wipe his mouth off and pray till the knees of his jeans wore thin. None of that happened, in fact, quite the opposite did.

   Mac clutched desperately to Charlie, with fists full of his dirty t-shirt, pulling him desperately close against him till their chests touched. The salt from Mac's tears coating their dry, chapped  
lips.

   They were running out of oxygen much too soon for their liking, neither knowing how to breathe during a kiss. Mac had a feeling if he didn't stop the kiss himself, Charlie would continue kissing him until he passed out.

   "Thanks." Mac whispers.

**~**

 

   It wasn't until High School, when they met Dennis, that they were confronted face to face about their actions for the very first time.

   "Wait a minute, hold on a second-" Dennis sticks his head out, waving his hands in a grandiose gesture. "-so you two _kiss_? What are we working with here? Just a casual little smack on the cheek or is there some full on tongue penetration happening?"

   "Yeah, yeah, totally." Charlie nods enthusiastically. "The second one, for sure. It can get pretty wet sometimes."

   Dennis' eyes flicker between Mac and Charlie's faces, trying to pinpoint any sign that they were joking. They couldn't be _that_ oblivious, but as far as he could tell, they were completely serious. "Isn't that, you know, a little _gay_?"

   Mac scoffs _. "_ Nah, man. You've got it all wrong. Kissing is great, everyone loves kissing, but you see, Charlie and I are two _very_ straight, _very_ heterosexual men, which means when we kiss, our straightness doubles and combines into ultimate heterosexuality. Which means if anyone here is gay, it's you."

   Dennis was dumbfounded and at a loss for words. "How- _why_ -" absolutely nothing about Mac's theory made sense.

   When Dennis does find the words, they spill out of him in a fumed rush. "That's not how it works! When two dudes kiss, it's gay! Whatever the situation! It's gay! Very gay! You two are gay!" By now, he was shaking with rage, face red, eyes piercing deep into whoever was brave enough to look back.

   "Whoa, man." Charlie holds his hands up in surrender, yet he was seemingly unfazed by his friend's maniacal outburst. "Stop forcing your gay agenda on us, bro. It's not cool."

   "Very uncool." Mac agrees. "I'd pray for you to find the straight way, but I'm about 87% sure Satan has already possessed your body and has destroyed any last shred of humanity that Dennis had left. Let's go, Charlie, my lips are getting a little cold and I could use someone to warm them up."

   Dennis couldn't believe what he was hearing. Dennis couldn't believe what he was seeing. He'd dealt with stupid before -hello, have you met Dee?- but this was in a whole new realm of its own. A sheet of paper would be more emotionally aware than the both of them combined.

   Mac and Charlie leave their new friend stranded on the dark school grounds, after hours, without a backwards glance. "-and all this time he thought Dennis was only interested in girls. If the gays stop wearing banana hammocks and body glitter, how are we -and God- supposed to know who to condemn to into flames of hell for all of eternity?" Under the dim glow of the sparsely placed street lights, they stumble upon a sidewalk and decide to aimlessly follow it.

   "I don't know."

   "Dennis was wrong, right?" Mac reaches out for Charlie's hand. His bare hands were going numb from the late night Philly chill. Charlie laces their fingers together. Slowly they regain feeling. "When we kiss, is it gay?"

   Charlie pulls Mac into a dark alleyway. He shoves Mac's back against the wall. They weren't more than a few inches apart. "You're worrying too much about this, Mac. We're just two bro's, broing around. Does this seem gay at all?"

   Charlie cradles the side of Mac's face and uses their hands that were still grasped together to guide Mac's hand to the small of his back. They look each other dead in the eyes and smile stupidly.The closeness was nice, and it helped keep the creeping chill at bay.

   Mac initiates the kiss, mouth soft and slack. He'd been doing this for so long it was second nature to him. He knew what felt good and what didn't. Mac knew that Charlie hated when he didn't pull away every so often because he always forgot to breathe or that he was particularly fond of kissing just after one of them had eaten pizza.

   Mac drags his teeth against Charlie's bottom lip, pulling it gently before letting go. He responded by pressing a little harder against another. "There's no way this could ever be gay." Mac mumbles into Charlie's lips, right before thrusting his tongue deep into his mouth.

 

**~**

 

   "I need a drink." Dee storms into the bar. Her hair was even a bigger mess than normal and Charlie could swear she had been wearing the same outfit for the last three years. Either that or he was crazy. "Out of my way losers." She shoves Mac out from behind the bar and into Frank. Dee grabs a bottle of vodka and downs an impressive amount without a flinch. "Ah! That's better."

   "Um,  Dee? I know I'm going to regret acknowledging your existence, but is there any reason your drinking that vodka like it was just water? Because if there is something, I'd like to know if it's going to continue or not. I'd appreciate the heads up before you singlehandedly drink us out of business." Dennis   
calmly and cautiously approaches her in hopes of prying her fingers off the bottle.

   Dee angrily pulls the bottle back from Dennis. "It's that stupid 'friends with benefits' bull crap that they always feed us in movies. They make it seem all mushy-mush, gooey-gooey but in reality, it's more like a glug-glug, glop-glop."

   "You know, I always thought of it as a swoosh-swoosh, gobble-gobble." Charlie thoughtfully adds.

  "Huh, interesting." Mac interjects with a scratch behind his ear. "Because I _also_ thought of swoosh-swoosh, except instead of gobble-gobble, I prefer the term _gibble-gibble._ "

   Charlie carefully analyzes the new information in his head. There was a lot more to consider. "Yeah! Now that you mention it, swoosh-swoosh, gibble-gibble does seem like a much more refined term."

   "Will you idiots shut up? Can't you see I'm trying to start a story here so you guys can get all riled up and hatch some kind of a devious revenge plan on the jerk I was dumped by? Besides what could _you two_ possibly know about friends with benefits? You don't have any friends."

   "Bird's got a point there. You're the two biggest pieces of shit I've ever known, and I've seen a lot of shit in my day." Frank raises his glass of whiskey and Dee clinks it with her bottle of vodka.

   Mac looks very offended. "I've got friends, right Charlie?"

   "Yeah man, you've always been my best friend."

   Dennis drops his face into his palms dejectedly. "Oh God, please, no."

   "What?" Dee looks frantically between all of them until finally settling on Mac and Charlie, or more specifically, their hands intertwined. She remembers back in high school when she would see the two carelessly strolling down the hallway, holding hands or making out underneath the bleachers she was forever sidelined on. How could she have forgotten?

   "Wait, that's _still_ going on between you two?" That would explain why she found the two in the same bathroom stall last we..." _Ewww!_ "

   Dennis nods and pats her back sympathetically "I know, It's almost as bad as catching mom screwing the mailman on the kitchen table when we were kids." Great, way to drag that memory back into the light

   "Hold on a sec! Can you just rewind, and start again with a little more _pizazz_? I might've blacked out for a second. I wanna know what's got Dee's panties in such a twist...if she had any on! Get it? Because she's a whore." Frank laughs hysterically at his joke.

   "Yes, everyone knows already." Dennis sighs. How was he the only one with any shred of sanity left? It was hard enough being the best looking of the gang, but now he had to be the smart one too? "Charlie and Mac are banging."

   "Charlie and Mac are banging?" Frank repeats with extra enthusiasm.

   " _Supposedly_." Charlie interjects.

   "Well, are you?" Dee asks.

   Mac squints his eyes in thought. "What would you determine as _banging..._?"

   Frank was quick to answer. Knowing him, he'd probably pondered that very question before. "Butt stuff."

   "Butt stuff? _Pfft_." Charlie swats his hand at Frank. "I love butt stuff."

   "He does." Mac agrees. He'd had several years of experience to back that statement up. If fact, it was Charlie's initial curiosity of 'butt stuff' that set their first time together in motion.

   "Yeah, holes get filled right up. On a few occasions, there have even been multiple hole fillings. It's great." Despite how the gang perceived that statement, Charlie was actually referring to the one time Mac had graciously brought him a dozen jelly filled doughnuts...and _then_ proceeded the evening with anal sex.

   Dee pushes her palms against her ears. "God, Charlie! Enough! Nobody wants to hear about your _holes._ "

   "So, you two gays now?" Frank questions.

   Mac and Charlie glance at each other and laugh. "Gay? We're not gay."

   Oh great, Dennis thinks sarcastically. The only upside this horror show is that they won't be able to procreate. Much like the abandoned pool Mac and Charlie got stranded in, their gene pool would be equally as trashy.

   "Have you ever had a dick up your butt?" Frank just puts it right out there.

   "Well yeah, but-" Mac starts off.

   "Gay." Frank interrupts.

   "We're not-"

   "Gay." He repeats, but firmer.

   Mac frustratingly slams his fist down on the bar, rattling a few empty glasses perched atop. "It's not gay! We use the best protection possible, prayer! We also make sure to say 'no homo' before _and_ after every time and so far it's worked perfectly. There's been no chance of accidental gayness."

   "That's it." Dennis throws up his hands. "I'm out." He starts walking away.

   "Me too." Dee begins to follow her brother, but halfway to the door she quickly runs back and swipes whatever bottles she could fit into her arms. "See ya, suckers." If she could, Charlie would've expected the bird to flip him the bird.

   "I think I'm gonna go with them, to haven't made 'em cry in a while." Frank waddles out.

   A few silent minutes tick by, if hadn't returned by now they probably weren't coming back for the rest of the day.

   Charlie pushes up the sleeves on his shirt and breaks the silence first. "I'm not sure about you, but all that talk of butt stuff really got me going."

   "Yeah, me too. I'm sure you noticed but I was erect like, the _whole_ time." Mac hops down from the stool and thrusts his crotch towards Charlie as if it would help him see better. "See?"

   "Can you see mine?" Charlie follows his suit, also thrusting until only their crotches were touching.

   Mac nods his head. "How about we go finish off what we started yesterday?"

   "No homo, right?"

   "No homo, bro."

   "Cool."


End file.
